Panda 1/2
by Lord Jeram
Summary: What if Ranma's and Genma's curses were reversed?
1. A Proposal TO DIE FOR(Oh, wait, sorry, I...

Panda 1/2  
  
Chapter One:  
  
A Proposal to Die FOR(wait there's still more space dust on this title,  
it really says A Proposal to die for forty humans.)  
  
Soun Tendo had just finished an exhilarating morning cry, and felt  
refreshed and ready to face the day. He casually waltzed down the  
stairs and saw Kasumi in the kitchen, already at work abuzz making breakfast,  
lunch, and dinner for the next few weeks.  
  
With a rush of emotion, Soun allowed himself a quick sob. Wiping his  
eyes, he sauntered past Nabiki in the living room, already at work abuzz  
making calculations of how to get the most money from the most people in the  
least amount of time. Feeling only slightly less proud, Soun let a few  
streams of tears escape his weary eyes.  
  
As he passed the dojo, he gazed upon Akane, already at work abuzz making  
short work of the poor practice dummy as she repeatedly slammed it in  
the groin.(1)  
  
His heart filling up, he thought: What wonderful daughters I have!  
I am truly blessed.  
  
He made his way over to the stand and picked up the mail, letting the  
junk mail and bills fall to the floor. Then, seeing a postcard, he  
pulled it out with a flourish. As he carefully read the card, his  
blissfully happy expression slowly changed into an all-out hundred-watt  
grin. He ran back to the main complex of the house.  
  
"Kasmui! Nabiki! Oh, and Akane, too! Come quick! Hurry! Make haste! Come on,  
girls! Time's a wasting!" As he waited to catch his breath, his  
daughters slowly filed into the room, Kasumi carrying a delicious freshly-baked  
pie, Nabiki a delicious, fresh sheet of figures, and Akane a delicious,  
fresh, uh, eh, a fresh sheen of sweat covering her, uh, sweaty figure? (2)  
  
Soun grinned at his three daughters. "I have some unbelievably  
wonderful news! Guess what?"  
  
Only Kasumi asked "What?" in response, but Soun, unable to stop his  
forward momentum, kept going.  
  
"My old friend Genma "Crazed Old Freak" Saotome is coming  
here, and . . ."  
  
Soun paused for dramatic effect.  
  
Kasumi smiled obliviously, Nabiki rolled her eyes, and Akane gritted her  
teeth.  
  
"He's bringing his son Ranma! You see, we arranged, Genma and I, to have  
our school united by engaging our children. So he will become fiance for  
one of you!"  
  
All three of his daughters faces changed into perturbed  
expressions.  
  
Nabiki bit her lower lip thoughtfully. "Is he cute or rich? Because  
that's all that really matters to a cold-hearted b(rhymes with itch)  
like me. Oops, did I say that out loud? Ahh!" Nabiki clapped her hands over  
her mouth. A tear peeked at the edge of Nabiki's eye. She hastily  
dried it.  
  
Kasumi frowned, ignoring Nabiki's outburst. "He's not 'young' is he?  
Because younger men are so immature and they can never keep up when it  
counts, if you know what I mean."  
  
Akane fumed and steamed, angered beyond belief. "What does it matter?  
He's male right? And a boy. Ergo: He deserves pain and punishment," she  
said, in the finest philosopher's tradition of logic.  
  
Soun shrugged and looked at Kasumi and Nabiki. "I have no idea." He  
laughed to himself. "After all, I've never met him." A chorus of "What's"  
and thrown vases accosted Soun.  
  
"Hey, don't kill the messenger! Only rats do that!" While his daughters  
tried to figure that one out, Soun took his leave of the room.  
  
***  
  
"Come, on, son, time's wasting!" People turned at the loud commotion,  
and saw a bald woman with glasses dragging a young boy. "We've got  
to be there by sundown."  
  
"Or what, you'll turn into a reasonable human being?" the boy muttered.  
  
The woman punched him in the stomach.  
  
"Quiet, son of mine. We have to reach the Tendo's . . . Oh Shazbutt."  
The woman cringed as the boy flared with an impressive battle aura,  
snorting, spitting, and pawing the ground.  
  
"THE TENDOS?!?!?! You little twerp!! I oughta snap your spine."  
The woman shuddered. "Listen, boy. I understand why you feel that  
way, but you must get over your prejudices against the Tendos."  
  
The boy gritted his teeth. "It's not like I had much of a choice, did I?  
You were the one who put me through that horrible training,   
Tendo-ken-ai-jie, right, POP?"  
  
The woman held her ears. "Boy, listen to me! Calm down! That training  
was for your own good!"  
  
The boy snorted and glared at the woman. "Yeah right."  
  
The woman looked in horror over her son's shoulder.  
  
"What in the world is that?"  
  
The boy whirled. "What?"  
  
A lamp post to the head effectively ended the boy's protestations.  
  
The woman sighed. "Sorry my boy, but it's for your own good." She picked  
up his comatose form and strode away.  
  
***  
  
Nabiki peeked her head into the dojo. "Daddy? Where are you dear father  
or mine? I need to ask you something important." Soun cringed, and tried  
to hide himself in the ceiling but fell down in a matter of seconds.  
  
Nabiki grinned evilly. "Oh sisters? I found him." Instantly, Nabiki was  
flanked by her siblings, each holding a weapon of choice, Akane a  
mallet, Kasumi a frying pan, and Nabiki a chainsaw.  
  
Soun grinned weakly. "Well you see. I mean. Well. Eh. Uh." A knock  
interrupted his dying tirade. "Phew. Saved by the bell. Kasumi, dear  
could you get that? And the rest of you, Company Rules, please!"  
  
The younger Tendos groaned. "Oh ok."  
  
Looking slightly put off, Kasumi came into the room followed by a bald  
and muscular woman dragging a unconscious boy across the floor, gaining  
him a healthy helping of splinters and mothballs.  
  
Akane stared at the beaten boy and started to drool. "Oh man, look at  
his bruises, his cuts, his ripped clothing revealing his broken bones.  
Oh yeah! Uh, I gotta take a cold shower. See you in a few."  
  
Nabiki stared at the staircase after Akane's quickly retreating form.  
  
"Wow. I never figured Akane went for that sort of thing, but it sure  
makes sense. Hmmm. I wonder how I can make money off of this."  
  
The bald woman raced over to the bewildered Soun and got him in a  
bone-crushing hug. "Soun, my oldest friend! It is I, Genma!"  
  
Soun looked shocked and pushed her away. "Get away from me, you vile  
ugly woman!"  
  
Fires erupted in Genma's eyes causing the ceiling to catch fire. Genma  
roared in Soun's face. "I am NO WOMAN!!! You hear me?!" A torrent of  
cold water interrupted the tirade (3) and triggered multiple gasps, for in the place  
of the unconscious boy was now a comatose and bruised panda.  
  
The battered panda got to its feet and held up a sign: "I'm Ranma Saotome. My  
filthy father is sorry and responsible for this."  
  
::TRIGGER FACE-VAULTS::  
  
***  
  
Looking from Heaven, she smacked herself in the face.  
  
"Oy!" (4)  
  
  
Where am I going with this? You'll find out.  
  
(1) Sense a pattern here?  
(2) Hey, they can't all be gems. (If you recognize that reference, I tip  
my hat to you.)  
(3) Can you tell I love that word? And where'd the water come from?  
The plot works in mysterious ways . . .  
(4) Now who could that be? 


	2. The Fourth Wheel

Chapter Two: The Fourth Wheel  
  
Nabiki smirked. "Is it just me or did that panda/boy just hold up a  
sign?"  
  
Soun and Kasumi said simultaneously, "It's you."  
  
Genma looked at the Tendos and scratched her otherwise bald head.  
  
"Uh, I think I'm missing something here."  
  
Nabiki smirked widely, which threatened to split her face in two. "You  
sure are, Mrs. Saotome."  
  
Genma growled. "For the last time, I am NO WOMAN! Now, may I please  
please have some hot water please? Please?"  
  
Kasumi smiled. "Of course Mother Saotome." Kasumi retreated into the  
kitchen.  
  
The panda rolled his eyes and held up a sign. "For me too please."  
  
Soun peered at Genma. "You know, if you were a little more masculine,  
like more muscles and smaller breasts, you actually would look like a man, like  
Genma, maybe."  
  
Genma beamed with pride. "Thank you, Tendo. I appreciate that."  
  
Nabiki walked over to the panda and poked it in the stomach. "Yep, a  
panda all right."  
  
Soun looked confused. "Was there ever any doubt?"  
  
Nabiki sighed. "No, father, but you said we would get a fiance, not a  
pet."  
  
She ignored the frantic "I'm no pet!!" sign.  
  
"I want a handsome, virile, intelligent, and wealthy young man for my  
fiance. Not this monstrosity." She poked the panda again, harder this time.  
  
The panda growled and curled into a ball, knocking Nabiki into her  
father.  
  
Soun started sobbing. "Why must all our guests knock my daughters into  
me?"  
  
Nabiki got to her feet, dusting herself off. "What are you talking  
about? This is the first guest we've had in years."  
  
Kasumi glided in with the hot water. Genma made a grab for it, but Soun  
grabbed her arm.  
  
"Miss Saotome! You may be a woman, but no one may fondle my daughter!"  
  
Kasumi giggled. "Oh, father, Granny Saotome -"  
  
Genma blanched. "Granny Saotome! I'm not that old!"  
  
Kasumi continued. "Just wants her water, I'm sure. Here you are,  
Auntie Saotome."  
  
She handed the water to Genma, who grabbed it greedily and poured it  
immediately over her head.  
  
"YEOWCH!! That's boiling!"  
  
The panda held out a sign. "Heh. It's your own fault, Pop, for being  
so impatient."  
  
No one had noticed, though, because they were all staring at a now male  
Genma.  
  
Kasumi was the first to speak. "Well, Grandfather Saotome, perhaps  
you'd like some hot water for your panda? Or should I say son?"  
  
Genma grunted in approval. "Quite perceptive, isn't she, Tendo?"  
  
Tendo gaped at his old friend. "Uh, Saotome? My old friend? Is that  
really you?"  
  
Genma grinned smugly. "Of course, Tendo." He turned to Kasumi. "Thank  
you my dear, I'm sure my son would appreciate some hot water."  
  
Kasumi smiled and bobbed back into the kitchen.  
  
Genma clapped Soun on the back. "Well, Tendo, I suppose you'd like to  
hear an explanation for all this, huh?"  
  
Soun opened and closed his mouth a few times. "I . . . I suppose that  
could be useful. Nabiki, get your camera, please."  
  
Nabiki had been heading up the stairs to get her camera when she stopped  
short.  
  
"How'd he know I was going to get my camera? Ah, whatever."  
  
Genma made himself comfortable on a nearby pillow. "Ah, the story is  
long and true, with danger at every turn, and barely any food at all." A tear  
ran down Genma's cheek.  
  
Several more ran down Soun's. "How horrid! However did you survive?"  
  
Genma grunted and reached for a nearby conveniently plot-placed apple.  
"It wasn't easy, Tendo. I had to teach my boy many times without food."  
  
Genma prepared to take a large, healthy bite out of the ripe, red, juicy  
apple, when it was snatched by the panda, who promptly swallowed it in one  
bite.  
  
The panda chuckled with a low grunting sound.  
  
Genma's aura grew horns and a tail. "Why you insolent boy, boy! I must  
teach you a lesson in not-stealing-from-me-ever right now. Anything Goes  
Hunger Desperation Move: Give That Back!" With a roar, Genma leaped at the  
panda, who easily swatted the bald man into the conveniently placed koi pond.  
  
Genma-chan sputtered. "Now look what you did! I'm a weak woman!" Nabiki  
glared balefully at him. "Uh, no offense. Heh heh."  
  
Kasumi came back into the room with a fresh pot of water.  
  
The panda reached for it eagerly.  
  
"NOOOO!" With an inhuman cry, Genma leaped into the room, grabbing the  
sizzling and calefacient kettle and dumping its contents onto herself.  
  
"YEEYOWWWCH!!!! THAT WAS REALLY HOT!!! SOUN!! WHAT IS  
WRONG WITH YOUR DAUGHTERS?"  
  
Nabiki cringed at the loud noise.  
  
Kasumi held her hand to her mouth. "Oh my. I guess I better boil up  
some more hot water."  
  
"Genma! Don't speak to my daughters that way! It wasn't their fault!"  
Soun roared, his face growing to demonic proportions.  
  
A now male and smoking Genma shank back in terror. After Soun calmed down,   
he responded, still a bit shaky. "I'm sorry old friend, I meant no   
intentional harm, it was just the heat that startled me."  
  
Soun laughed heartily. "No problem. How about a game of Shogi while we  
wait?"  
  
Genma clapped Soun the back. "I was just about to suggest the very  
thing!"  
  
The two retreated to the game table.  
  
Nabiki rolled her eyes and turned to the panda. "Is your father always  
like this?"  
  
The panda held up a sign. "Usually he's worse."  
  
Nabiki cringed. "Ooh, tough break, huh?"  
  
Kasumi walked back into the room with yet another kettle of hot water.  
  
The panda got up and started to walk cautiously over to Kasumi.  
  
Akane ran down the stairs. "Hey, Kasumi, where's my - AAAH!!! A  
PANDA!!" (1)  
  
She jumped off the railing and hid behind Kasumi, shivering  
uncontrollably, knocking the kettle onto the floor.  
  
The panda rolled its eyes. "Will I ever get some hot water?"  
  
Nabiki smirked. "It doesn't look too promising."  
  
Kasumi bit her lip and disengaged Akane's arms from her waist. "Oh  
my!"  
  
***  
  
Far away a lone figure yelled to the heavens. "RANMA SAOTOME!! PREPARE  
TO DIE, FILTHY ONE!""  
  
A bottle interrupted his, yes, tirade. "Would you keep it down, tubby?  
Some of us are trying to sleep in this nondescript everytown usa city."  
  
The figure growled. "Tubby?! I'm not-" A bottle knocked him to the  
ground.  
  
***  
(1) Did someone say Panda-ken? (In case you don't get that, think  
Neko-ken)  



End file.
